I think I CAN!

Warm weather - Do you know how to say, “Record setting heat wave”?   If you run more than three miles, you are risking heat stroke, heat exhaustion and a trip to your nearest hospital.   Prepare for this possibility by having frequent water stops.   Or you can call 911, give them your planned running route and ask them to send an ambulance with two intravenous tubes in 30 minutes.

One short, steep climb after five miles - About halfway up this climb you swear that someone jumped on your back.   You want to cover your ears to avoid hearing the screams coming from your own quadriceps muscles.   Despite your slow pace, you pass runners who have been reduced to jogging, walking and crawling.   Several are laying on the side of the road writhing in agony.   Finally, if you were able to speak, you would ask yourself, “What am I doing here?”

A festive and fun race -   Watch out at the start to avoid tripping over small children who lined up in the front row.    Next you dodge several competitors, or should I say, participants dressed in costumes as their favorite super hero.   Suddenly your ears are assaulted by a rapid fire pop-pop-pop and you duck for cover assuming it is a terrorist attack.    After you take your handy nitroglycerin pill and calm yourself upon learning it was only the sound of firecrackers, you are back on the roads and running toward the finish.   Your hopes for a fast time are dashed by the open drawbridge allowing a boat parade held in conjunction with the race to pass by.   At least you are excited about the scheduled jugglers, moon walk and horse rides that will entertain your children after the race.   Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, all entertainment had to be cancelled.

Moderate altitude training - You better find a Sherpa guide to help you up this treacherous climb at altitudes you thought were reserved for air traffic only.   You will be gasping for air as your lungs beg for precious oxygen.   Afterward, you may want to compare notes with Sir Edmund Hillary as it will feel tougher than the last 200 feet climb to the summit of Mount Everest.

Slight winds - Prepare to lean forward with your head down as you pour every ounce of energy into attempting to run.   You may be slammed backward into the runner directly behind you.   You may be lifted completely off of the ground.   If the winds are cross winds and you are on a narrow path, you will be blown off the path.  Most likely you will find yourself in the center of a level five hurricane or tornado.

Adequate rest room facilities -   When you get to the race there will be several thousand runners and fifteen portable toilets.   You can wait in line for an hour, go into a foul smelling port-o-let, wipe urine off the seat, have the door which does not lock opened by another runner (“Oops, I’m sorry”) and, after you are finished taking care of business, notice that there is no toilet tissue.   As an alternative, before you leave the house you can stock up on plenty of toilet paper and go behind the third bush on the left.